Dear Sigh,

Fantasies Are Harmless

Fantasies in themselves are harmless. Your boyfriend is right about that. And, as partners, we have to work hard to realize that the person we are with is a complete person - not just waiting for us to complete them - and so come with their own interests, habits, and fantasy lives.

Differences Make Relationships Exciting

Once we realize this, getting to know the person we love becomes that much more exciting because they are always going to be different from us, and able to provide a new perspective and experience.

Child Porn Isn't A Fantasy

However, as a society, both in our morals and in our laws, we have decided that pornography is not a fantasy. Although the relationship between user, producer, and subject is remote rather than direct, all are still party to the pornography.

It's Immoral

It's not just immoral, it's illegal.

And as a result, we have decided that pornography involving children is immoral - because by its nature the production and use of pornography creates a dangerous situation for the subject when the subject is not an adult making clear, rational, self-interested decisions.

Keep Talking About It

I don't know if there is anything you can do, but keep talking to your partner about it, be open, and try to help him understand how you feel about this user/producer/subject relationship.

A Helpful Website

There should be plenty of resources on the Internet (I found one at www.antichildporn.org) that explain some of the dangers when children are the subject of pornography.

Pause Before You Become More Committed

Naah. She should just dump him.

I hope clarifying your own views on the topic will help you think about the role your views will play in your relationship with your boyfriend. I do think this topic merits serious discussion before you move forward into a more committed relationship.

– Judith