Dear Confused And Tempted,

Here are the issues we see in this:

• your perception of him,
• his perception of you,
• your perception of your marriage, and
• JW.

Forget JW

Well, JW is almost a moot point; he is a symptom of a deeper illness. You must forget him: he is married and so are you and that's where your common ground should stop. You know you shouldn't indulge yourself in this temptation, so don't try and get us to support it.

Your perception of your husband is dry, but overall very good. You say that he is a good provider and a great father; he is outgoing and athletic. He sounds like exactly the kind of husband a woman wants and we have no doubt you love him.

His perception of you is nothing short of wonderful. You are his soul mate and he loves you very much.

Speak Candidly

Your perceptions of your marriage are out of sync but accurate. You feel that romance and passion are gone from your marriage. You need to speak candidly with your husband about this (or let us). Speaking candidly does not mean you should say "Honey, I feel like we aren't as romantic as we used to be." That's a statement of observation, and not necessarily one that screams change to a man.

Don't Be Subtle; Be SImplistic

Don't be subtle or coy, be overly simplistic. Most guys can't see the subtle hints that women think are blinding. They need to be told in cut-and-dried specifics (e.g. "I want you to take me on a date once a month, every month.") There's not a lot to read into that and although it may be uncomfortable for you at first, the romance you'll receive will be well worth it.

When he writes that he "thinks" you are pretty happy and "thinks" that you feel the same way about being his soul mate, it says to us you haven't been clear on the specifics of your dissatisfaction. Again, be specific: tell him what you need and allow him to be the man you fell in love with. Your husband has accepted your increased arguments as part of a healthy relationship. You obviously haven't because you're developing wanderlust. Argument, like many other degenerative habits, has been accepted by society as a natural progression. Two human beings will eventually disagree but they don't have to devolve into argument.

We disagree often enough, but have yet to break into full argument (over 6 years and running strong). We realize that arguments do nothing to build our marriage. We opt for a stronger marriage over a stronger ego.

Use This Audiotape

We are going to recommend a couple of tangible solutions to help you back on your feet. The first is to get John Gray's "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" (the original one) on audiotape. Doing the audiotape, not book, is key here. If you have the money – buy it, because you are sure to use it again and again. If not, rent it from your local library for little or nothing.

Schedule yourself a date night, get a sitter for your children, and listen to the tape together. Listening to it separately will be almost ineffective. This is one of the greatest things we ever did for our marriage. Listening to the tape together allowed us to push pause and discuss past situations in a clinical way as they came up. We first learned how to communicate effectively doing this. Do it; trust us.

Heather learned, although with difficultly, how to ask for what she wanted and needed, and even worse – how to accept it after she had to ask for it.

Brad learned how to listen to her feelings and, even worse – how to talk about them.

These are very, very difficult skills and do not come naturally.

Second, go buy a dry-erase marker and write a love note to each other on your bathroom mirror once a week.

He Should View This as an Opportunity

We want to remind your husband that nothing has happened, and he should view this as an opportunity to make something good become wonderful.

You two love each other but need to remind each other of that fact. Learn how to do that and the rest will take care of itself.

Please let us know how it goes with the tapes, we'd like to hear back from you.

– Brad & Heather