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Dear Sarah,
Every Couple Should See a Therapist
Every couple should see a therapist. That is my honest belief.
I very much plan to have a good 10 sessions with my current boyfriend
before and if we plan to marry. So, for that reason alone, if he's
agreeable, go for a few sessions.
Everyone Has Fantasies
As for his being a pedophile... everyONE has a fantasy. And nearly
every guy has the "school girl" fantasy (usually the Catholic
School Girl Fantasy). Watch Aerosmith's "Rag Doll" video
and listen to the words, and keep in mind that these guys were like
35-40 and married when they wrote this song!
You and He Did the Right Thing
You did the right thing, Sarah. I am very proud of you. Most girls
your age would NOT have said that the role playing made them uncomfortable.
You also have a very good boyfriend if he didn't ask you to do it
again. He respects you enough to not ask you to do something that
caused you discomfort.
Unnecessary Worry
You are worrying about something that I'm not all that sure you
need to worry about. Role playing fantasies are just that. You dress
up, you live through the fantasy, and then you go back to who you
were before.
As an example: my friend has "fantasy" about a fireman
doing striptease for her. She had told her boyfriend this, and he
agreed to it. He is not worried about her going out to find a fireman
to perform a striptease for her, because he knows that HE is the
one SHE is interested in. It's not the person, it's not the role.
It's the combination of the two that creates the desired sexual
tension.
Do You Have Evidence?
If you have caught him checking out the little girls, or going
up to them and horsing around with them, or caught him checking
out child pornography, or heard his friends talking about "weirdo
and his little-girl thing", then you have good basis for your
fear. But I don't believe that by asking you to wear plain white
panties and putting your hair in pigtails is grounds to think that
he's a pedophile. Talk to him about your fears and worries. Unless
you have hard evidence that he's molesting little girls. Then go
to the police.
Try a Fantasy You Like
You are worried that you haven't fulfilled his fantasy? Ask him.
From your question, it seems like you are working on good communication.
Men are NOT mind readers, much the way women are not. If you are
worried about something, please please please, JUST ASK! (Three
months of therapy to discover that... and I tell you for free!)
There may be some other fantasy that you could fulfill without the
awkwardness and discomfort (like a lingerie fantasy, or something).
Get Therapy Even If He Doesn't
And remember that therapy? If he doesn't want to go, go on your
own. It sounds like you could benefit from it. (Everyone can!) Worrying
is fine, but you sound like me. You take situation, think and worry
about it too much, and turn it into this disaster in your mind.
You, like me, have trust issues that must be dealt with. It's deeper
than worrying about whether he likes little girls. Believe me.
You are still very young, and you should be careful. You're right
that you're too young to worrying about something like this. Talk
to him. If you're not comfortable talking to him about this, go
to therapy, with or without him. Keep in mind, as I said, everyone
has fantasies.
Love, peace and luck,
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