Dear Troubled,

She Can't Steal Him from You

But her memory COULD steal him. She may have good reason to wonder.

I'm sorry this may come off a little harsh, but she died, it's not like she will come and steal him from you. Therefore, you need to deal with the real issue.

Comparison and Competition

The real issue to me is comparison and competition. Why can you not stop thinking about her? Does he bring her up or do you? Is it something you simply wonder about or have the two of you sat down and talked? Do you see the differences between her and you as you don't compare?

Accept that She's His Memory

First thing you need to do is to find a way to accept it. If you want this man in your life, you need to understand that her memory will always be in his.

Make It Comfortable for Him to Talk About Her

I agree – she should try to empathize.

But the two of you can talk about it. Make it comfortable to talk about her, be there for him.

Right – talking helped me realize she is part of who he is.

Think of her as a wonderful person you never got to meet. Let him tell you about her. Remember that regardless of all else, he is with you and he loves you. There is no competition or comparison to be had. You are you and he loves you for it. Whatever he loved about her doesn't change his love for you. You do not have to be her to be loved by this man.

Move On If He Wants You To Be Her

If he is the one who brings her up all the time you should remember that men generally don't think before speaking. What he says is not directed towards you or an attempt to hurt you in any way. He is simply sharing himself with you. He is not asking you to be her.

If he really wants you to be her then you need to move on, but I didn't get that feeling from your letter.

Be a Friend First, a Lover Second

Remember that the biggest part of a relationship is the friendship that holds it together. Always be the friend first, the lover second, or it won't last.

Just remember:

• don't compare yourself to her,
• there is no competition, and
• talk to him.

Hope I helped.

– Berly