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Ashley,
There are so many issues evident in your email that I don't know
where to begin. You sound like you've been giving them a lot of
thought, which is great. You may be a little overwhelmed by your
life right now – which happens to everyone, even people with
less complex issues than you, so it is understandable.
Love Makes the Problems Worth It
First, let me give you my take on love. The great thing about love
is it helps you see why the problems are worth it. It DOESN'T help
you avoid problems – there is no way that two people with two
different sets of families and two different upbringings and two
different goals/expectations can ever be free of problems. NO WAY
– no matter how alike or in love you are.
But love is great – it helps you see, even in the midst of
problems, that the other person is worth all the work of talking
through your problems, finding solutions, agreeing to disagree,
etc. Love helps you know that no matter what the problem is the
other person is in it for the long haul.
You Don't Have a Committed Love
And from what you have described, you don't sound like you have
that type of committed love with your fiance/boyfriend. You are
still to unsure of him and your relationship to honestly discuss
issues. That doesn't mean that you and your fiancé can't
develop that kind of love over time (it took me and my fiancé
a good 7 years to get there!) but it isn't where you are now.
Mood Swings Are Natural
The "mood swings" you describe are the natural process
of figuring out love – are you there for good or are you there
for now? You can't be afraid of facing those mood swings, because
they help you figure out what you want for yourself and what you
want for your relationship. That is pretty natural for your age,
as well, and being afraid of the down times is common but should
be resisted.
Even those down times help us learn and decide what direction to
take our relationship. If you keep in mind that each event is a
learning experience and that you'll be an even better, stronger
person afterwards, it makes them easier to take.
OK, I hope that helps you with the relationship. Now lets talk
about the pregnancy.
He Knows You Might Be Pregnant
If there is any chance that you are pregnant, there is NO WAY that
your partner doesn't know about it. You were both there when you
had sex. You were both there when you either decided not to use
birth control or the birth control that you chose failed. Believe
me, he knows about the potential that you are pregnant just as much
as you do, although he may be in denial. You need to talk with him
and your parents immediately and figure out what you are going to
do.
Wait To Be a Mom
I have to say that I agree with him about waiting. I know some
people are parents at a young age successfully, but many, many more
are dismal failures at parenting at 16 even though they would have
been perfectly good parents at 20, 25, or 30. And I'm sure from
your thoughtful question that being a bad mom is not what you want.
Choose Your Consequences
So you have GOT to start talking about what a baby in your life
will mean. What kinds of hopes do you have for your future children?
Do you hope that they will go to college, even become a doctor or
lawyer?
Not likely. Few people in my college and WAY fewer in my master's
program had parents who hadn't been to at least some college themselves.
Do you hope to have a house or nice apartment? The income levels
of young parents with little education are STAGGERINGLY low.
Prepare for Your Decision
You need to start preparing now for whatever decision you are going
to make about this pregnancy, and be brutally honest with yourself
and your partner and your parents. I may sound harsh, but you have
made the choice to become pregnant, and you need to think long and
hard about what the consequences are for you, your partner, your
parents, other members of your family, and your future children.
– Judith
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