Dear Steve,

There are three issues in your dilemma.

The first is whether you should contact your old friend, the second is what part her parents play in this decision, and the third is race.

Nothing Unethical About Contacting Her

There is absolutely no reason not to contact her. Since you have no idea whether she is currently married, there is nothing unethical in an attempt to get in touch with her. There's quite a difference between contact and relationship, and, quite frankly, her parents are irrelevant in your decision to contact her, but we'll discuss them later.

She May Resent the Contact

Who cares if she resents it? He needs closure.

Be prepared, however, for the girl you knew and loved 25 years ago to be long gone. Time and experience have changed her. In fact, she may even resent you contacting her, if she's embarrassed about the person she became.

An Unwelcome Guest

We highly recommend that you approach this expecting absolutely nothing, not even friendship. You may desire friendship, but she may not. If you were the love of her life as well, your resurfacing will cause ripples if she's currently in a relationship. That would likely make you the unwelcome, uninvited guest, at which point you should walk away like a gentleman. Just be prepared for your initial contact to be your final one if need be.

Parents' Influence

I agree. Her parents are no longer an issue.

The social and parental influences over a 19 year-old vary greatly from that of a 44 year-old. Her parent's racism may hold little to no weight in her relational decisions now. Your interest in her parents should rest only in the influence they may or may not continue to hold.

Let's also put this in historical perspective. In 1976, socially accepted and narrow-minded parents like Archie Bunker surely helped to bring your doomed love affair to an end.

Are you saying that racism WAS acceptable in 1976?

In 2001, racism is not acceptable and 25 years of social impropriety will hopefully have encouraged them to sing a new song.

Race Is Not an Issue

Race seemed a dominant player in your question and apparently in your lost love. While race continues to play a role in today's society, it really has no place in your decision to contact her.

Race will only become an issue if she decides to pursue a relationship with you. She will then have to decide her priorities: you or her parents.

Remember that she has had to make this decision before, so be prepared to lose again.

We hope you'll let us know how your contact goes, it would be fun to follow-up. Good luck to you.

– Brad & Heather