Dear Bonquesia,

Integrity

I'm glad you wrote because it gives me the chance to talk about something I've been thinking about and working on with my (college-aged) students in a class I teach. The concept is that your character, ethics, values, everything is tied together with integrity.

Integrity is defined at Merriam-Webster.com as

1. an unimpaired condition or
2. the quality of being complete or undivided.

It is whole, sound, and strong. Integrity helps all of the aspects of our lives be tied together into a complete human being. To practice integrity, we need to be honest with ourselves and those around us.

Neither of You Practice Integrity

Think about your situation: You have a boyfriend who you only mention by saying he doesn't go to your school. Andre has a girlfriend who he lets care for him while he tells you about his feelings for you. Neither of you is practicing integrity with your "partner".

I agree he lacks integrity, If he really loves her, why is he with his girlfriend?

Second, you aren't practicing integrity with each other – you are using the feelings you have as a kind of experiment or litmus test rather than talking honestly about what kind of relationship you want.

She is also not practicing integrity with her friend. She should stay away if he has a girlfriend.

And finally, you are not practicing integrity with yourself – you are acting differently from how you feel which is leading to envy and heartache.

I know I did not invent the concept of integrity, but I think it is important for you to reflect on integrity for a little bit. What would living with integrity mean to you, right now? What would your life be like?

You could also use this as the start of a conversation with Andre. What would living with integrity mean to him right now at this point in his life? He may have to think about it for himself before he can talk about it with you, but the question would be a good start.

Love Is Related to Integrity

Part of you is asking a different question – not what you should do right now but whether you are really in love. and this is related to integrity as well – how can you be true to yourself if you have doubts that what you think you feel is even possible?

Love at All Ages

We learn to love from a very young age – if we are lucky, we love our parents, siblings, and extended family almost immediately and then go on to experience different types of love for friends, teachers, and other people in our lives. Romantic love is just another type of love (and usually is just one stage in a relationship).

Types of Relationships

Yes, she can feel romantic love – but it's a different kind of love than what she will feel when she is older.

A developmental psychologist might say I'm wrong, but I don't see any reason why someone in eighth grade CAN'T feel romantic love. It's just that the type of relationship you have as a result and the type of actions you take to fulfill that love will be different from someone who is 18, 21, 30, 40, and so on.

Find Other Ways To Express Your Love

You have to do what is right for you that will make you feel like you have been true to yourself and your values. If your values are telling you that a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with Andre is wrong for you at this time, find other ways to express your love for him. Look at the people around you and see how they show love for each other – you might get some great ideas! Integrity is the key.

Good luck to you – I've given you a pretty grown-up response but I have a feeling you will understand and use it to really think about yourself and what is right for you right now.

– Judith