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Dear Talon-
I am sorry for your predicament, but maybe I can offer you some
new points of view that you haven't yet considered.
Virginity Is Not the Problem
To start, I will say that I've been just like Lisa, and sometimes
probably still am. I don't think that your virginity or hers really
have anything to do with your problem. Whether you are both virgins
or not this can happen to a couple.
She Doesn't Want To Give Up Her Power
My first thought when reading this was that Lisa likes to be in
control. She wants to initiate the kisses, the "petting",
the intimacy. This can occur on a conscious or subconscious level.
The girl can assume the 'teacher" role and really get off on
it.
Once you have been "educated", you feel more confident
and want to initiate the moves, but she doesn't want to give up
her position of power. You can either accept this or not, but with
the latter you will find as you have already experienced, that you
might be cut-off.
When I thought a little harder into it, and when I thought about
my own experiences, I came up with something a bit different.
In my own experience, I am pretty aggressive. I go after what I
want, I have liberal views about sex and don't think love and sex
go hand in hand. (I am obviously opening the floodgates for other
panelists.) I go with my impulses a lot of the time and as long
as I'm careful, I think sex with a beautiful man is great.
After the Impulse
The complications come in later, when I acknowledge that this charming,
beautiful man is not really my type, or that we have a lot less
in common than we initially thought. Another one bites the dust,
I guess.
However, there are occasions where I am equally as aggressive but
it turns out we are great together, that this might evolve into
a relationship that means something beyond "just having fun".
Shifting to Girlfriend Gear
All of the sudden you have to switch gears, going from this wild
girl that goes after what she wants to the girl with her guard up,
making sure not to be too vulnerable in the relationship, protecting
herself from getting hurt.
Maybe this is what Lisa has been experiencing. She has obviously
shared some of her past experiences with you, but now she is pulling
back because now she feels vulnerable to your judgment. As the stakes
of your relationship are raised, maybe she is shifting into girlfriend
gear and doesn't want you to think of her in only sexual terms.
The Physical Stuff Is Just a Small Part of Her
This is not to say the physical stuff was a facade, only that it
is just a small part of her personality that now needs to become
both of yours, little by little, in terms you can both agree on.
This can work out in the long run...my longest relationship started
with a one night stand and though we aren't together now, I don't
regret the relationship or how we started.
Starting Over
Just give her a chance to, in a sense, start over again, and talk
to her about it. Keep the lines of communication open and the two
of you will find a middle ground that makes both of you satisfied,
both physically and emotionally.
Good luck
– Alicia
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