Dear Looking for Statistics,

The Seinfeld "Switch"

Here's a description of the episode, and here's the dialogue between the characters.

I think that's as unattainable as the Seinfeld "switch". For those readers who aren't completely familiar with the "switch", that term describes being able to dump someone and go for her roommate, an unattainable goal. As unattainable as being able to turn around an "I just want to be friends".

Never Happened to Me

Personal experience? Nunca. Never. Not me. Negativo. I have NEVER been able to turn a "let's be friends" to a "let's be romantic". AS A MATTER OF FACT, I was just dumped by a woman who gave me a pretty close variant of this line.

When this happened, I, like all dumpees, had to make the following determinations:

• Was she serious? After I determined that she really WAS serious, I could concentrate on the rest.
  
  
• How serious? Okokokokokok...she was serious.
  
  
• How crushed was I? See, this is a problem. One of the reasons that it's hard to turn a "friends" to a "lovers" is that the dumpee's feelings tend to be bruised all out of shape, if I'm any example. In many cases this can turn an equal relationship to a begging relationship, and pity, although quite useful in it's own right, usually doesn't turn around the "friends" thing.
  
  
• How does the dumpee deal with his feelings towards her? I want to have carnal knowledge and she wants to play Scrabble? What up with that? How do you deal with this? NOT EASILY!
  
  

Does She Really Mean "Get Lost!"

• Does she really mean "let's be friends" or does she mean "she's met someone else" or does she mean "you did something bad and she doesn't want to have any contact with you".
  

This is the tough one. I have since figured out by her not returning emails or voice messages that she wasn't serious about the "friends" things, though DEFINITELY serious about the "not wanting to be romantic" thing.

What NOT to Say

So if you can figure out what's going on when they give you the "friends" line, and you want to turn it into more than friends, do NOT say, "Thanks but I've got plenty of friends. I'll let you know when an opening occurs."

– Lefty