Dear Mar,

I am a single, 20 year old student. I have had reactive depressions before – because of an abusive relationship – and I am afraid to let people (guys) get too close.

Sander is an 22 year old student, who is always asking me questions. I think we are becoming friends (I do not like to use this term lightly).

I wonder if he is asking me how I'm feeling because he studies psychology (and I serve as a study-object), because he's curious or whether he is genuinely interested in me. I told him I am going to a psychologist (because I need some help with the intimacy thing), and he asked me if I wanted to talk about it. Then I didn't really answer, implying I didn't.

We have been working together in our studies (he studies business as well, like me) and he let me know he can appreciate working with me. At first I thought he might have a crush on me, but now I'm quite sure I was wrong. Still, I want to be (at least) friends with him – I think he is truly special.

Yesterday we were drinking coffee and my hands started to shake (hope he didn't see) – he doesn't know what he is reminding me of. In some ways he reminds me of the person that hit me, except I know that Sander would never so much as scream at me. He is relaxed and sweet to people he likes (except for the times he tells it like it is, but I do that to him as well).

Anyway, should I tell him about the abuse, now I'm quite sure he's not in love with me?

Why would I do this? This is the question I am asking myself. Maybe I'm kind of hoping he will get closer to me if he knows that, but what will he think if I tell him this and he's not in love with me? Still, he is driving me nuts without even knowing. I do not want to be in love, but I can not help myself.

Should I tell him about the abuse or will this only complicate things?

Female, age 20, Holland

Mar answers this question.