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Dear Quasi-Single Mom,
You Are the Parent
First and foremost, YOU are the parent, not your boyfriend. So
you get to make all of the parenting decisions for your daughter.
The hard truth is, that is both a privilege and a burden –
even though I commend all of the single parents who are able to
make a go of it, one of the primary reasons I
am in favor of parents staying together whenever possible is because
parenting is VERY difficult on your own; you have no one to back
you up, no one to pick up the slack when you are sick/tired/overwhelmed,
etc.
Talk with Him About Parenting
This privilege and burden means you have to take a hard look at
the choices you make for your daughter. Have you talked with your
boyfriend about what an AWESOME (in the more traditional sense)
task parenting is? Does he understand the magnitude? Are the two
of you having serious discussions about him taking on this responsibility?
If so, you should talk a little more with him about goals you have
for your daughter, things you do want her to learn (that she has
tremendous talent, ability, potential) and things you don't (that
women are important based on their looks). If you can agree on these
fundamental principles, there may be some flexibility in the implementation.
Use Barbie To Explore Your Daughter's Interests
Barbie dolls may or may not need to be eliminated from the picture;
what if Barbie herself had musical instruments? Or, children often
use dolls to explore other interests; what if Barbie was very different
from your daughter (i.e., more of an outdoor-type if your daughter
prefers indoors, or something similar)? It can help your daughter
expand her horizons – but only if you and she are comfortable
with that context for the Barbie.
A Model for Prioritizing
In a way, this incident presents you with a great opportunity in
both of the primary relationships you have. With your daughter,
it gives you the opportunity to talk about balancing multiple activities
so that you can pursue several interests - things you like, things
you have to do, etc. It is never too early to start modeling that
kind of prioritizing and commitment behavior.
I wish I had learned time management skills before grad school,
myself.
With your boyfriend, you have the opportunity to discuss the role
he will play in your daughter's life and to reach agreement on fundamental
principles in parenting.
Good luck.
– Judith
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