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Dear Grizzy,
Being
Upset Is Different from Controlling Someone
Being
upset and unsettled by someone's behavior and letting them know
is very different than trying to control someone.
For example, if
you were to say to your boyfriend: "The nudie pictures
you get in email make me really uncomfortable and make me unsure
of how faithful you can be to me" is different from saying
"I insist that you no longer receive any emails".
Likewise, saying,
"I do not want to be in a relationship where there is a high
risk of infidelity" is different from saying, "You better
not cheat on me" - the first statement in each pair is about
how you feel and your reactions, the second are telling him what
to do.
You
Can't Control Him
Which leads to my
whole philosophy on relationships: you can't really control
what someone else does, you can only control your reaction to it.
And in this case, your fear that this guy may not be faithful to
you and even trying to figure out what fidelity means (e.g., does
it include cyber-sex?) are VERY rational responses to his behavior.
Consider
Being Single
I suggest
you talk to him immediately, and weigh the pros and cons of putting
up with behavior that makes you feel rightfully nervous rather than
being single and not having to put up with anyone else's behavior
at all. Also, try some steps to improve the self-esteem.
Saying
No Is Hard
Just because we
can't control someone else's behavior does not mean we should put
up with it in our lives - but saying "Not for me, thanks"
is going to take some work on your part.
– Judith
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