Mare Answers

Dear Panel,

I'm a 23 old woman and I've been with my boyfriend for more than five years. We have lived together couple of years but we aren't engaged. I like him a lot and, sure, I love him too. There isn't much of a passion between us anymore but living together is nice and we're happy. Now I have found myself thinking about another guy. He's at my age (my boyfriend is 5 years older than me) and he's really nice. We used to work in the same place and I noticed then that he had warm feelings towards me. I haven't seen him for 6 months, only talked to him on the phone a couple of times. He always tells me how he misses me, really Misses me. I would like to see if this other guy is the One for me, but I don't know how! I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, he is my best friend. On the other hand, I don't want to wonder all the time what it could be with the other guy. What should I do?

Help me, please.

Torn

Mare Answers:

Dear Torn:

This sounds like the classical case of "having your cake and eating it too". Let me see if I can re-phrase your question: You want to continue living with your boyfriend who you kinda sorta love (but without passion) AND you want to be free to explore romantic possibilities with other men. BTW, is "passion" a synonym for "sex"? I'm sometimes confused by these euphemisms.

I wonder what your boyfriend would think about your desires. Would he be hurt? Would he think they were normal and perhaps be having those same desires himself?

Ok, here's the deal. I'm going to be tough here. I'm going to ask you where you want to be in another five years. This involves THINKING and PLANNING, two things that are as often overlooked in the relationship arena as in the business arena. Do you want to have a family?

Experiment ing now is a valid option.

Do you want to settle down now or later or not at all? Do you want to experiment and be wild and crazy while you're still young? Do you want to see if you can find a (more) perfect S.O.?

Why don't you sit down and think about these questions for a few minutes. You don't live in a vacuum, and your boyfriend might have something to say to you about these issues. Many of the answers to these questions are mutually exclusive and you might decide that it's not possible to have your cake and eat it. Especially if the icing ends up melted in your lap.

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