Lefty Answers

Dear Panel:

I have just been recently married to someone I have "dated" for eight years. It was a rocky relationship, he never really treated me very well, always putting me down, and pushing me away. Well, I got pregnant in 1997, and later had a beautiful baby boy in 1998, he, because of this event, finally wanted to marry me, so we were wed in 1999. Now, I reluctantly have fallen in love with another man. One who is my best friend, extremely intelligent, very sensitive, and never a harsh word from his lips. (I've actually known this person for about four years now)His says he is in love with me too, actually he said it first, and is quite confident that I am the "one". I really think I have married the wrong man, what should I do?

heartsick

Lefty Answers:

Dear Heartsick,

This is a situation that I think we all can empathize with. I know I certainly do. I wish life was easy and good things would happen for you. But, what a mess, Ollie!

You not only have to make good decisions for yourself, but for your child. Unfortunately, I don't know what those good

Leave him but don't jump into a new relationship

decisions should be. "No one should live in an abusive relationship." That is a mantra that you should repeat. I don't know if your marriage relationship can be changed

Get OUT of there

through counseling, or indeed the degree of abusiveness manifested in the relationship.

Everyone should have his or her chance at happiness. The way you describe your best friend makes him seem wonderful. But I am worried. After being with an abusive jerk for years, why when you met this wonderful other man didn't you at least have thoughts about him back then? Why did you decide to have a baby with someone who you had a rocky relationship? Why were you never interested in someone who would treat you "right"?

It is probable that you come from chaos. I believe that you have had abuse in your background, whether from parents or an inappropriate partner, or bad relatives. I believe that you have low self-esteem, and a need for chaos. I am worried because of this. Another partner rarely solves these problems. Frequently the new partner is the same as the old in many respects. And even if he's not, your need for chaos may introduce uncertainty into the relationship. Your child adds complications to this whole equation.

I would like to tell you to pursue your happiness, to try to catch the ring. But I can't without more information. I would say two things: please, no more kids until you are happy in a stable relationship, and please uncover why you have endured and pursued a what seems like bad relationship for many years.

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